Unacceptable ways of dying:

  • after a long, desperate, nauseated, hairless battle with terminal cancer
  • by withdrawal of sustenance after being kept alive artificially
  • by some silly accident when I am so old and senile I can’t take care of myself, like falling and hitting my head against a porcelain toilet bowl
  • by a degenerative disease such as Parkinson’s
  • after doctors have made herculean efforts to keep me alive so I can be miserable for another year, and then die
  • because of the failure of some pharmaceutical to do its job
  • liver failure due to being prescribed so many pharmaceuticals in an attempt to keep me alive
  • car accident (conversely, being kept alive by an airbag is an unacceptable way of avoiding death because of the essential absurdity of the entire situation. Credit to Radiohead for bringing this to my attention.)
  • drowning or falling because both are too terrifying and give you no time to prepare yourself
  • most of the ways people die today

Acceptable ways of dying:

  • by a gunshot wound during an armed uprising against a corrupt government
  • by being thrown from a horse
  • bleeding to death
  • freezing in a snowstorm while lost in the woods
  • terrorist attack
  • firing squad
  • pneumonia or infection
  • heart attack
  • old age
  • any way that is natural and relatively quick